birthday boy..!!!

My hubby celebrates his birthday today....another year..same gift,same cake..yawn!....need to change the routine.

ramzan the holy month..

days of sprituality and holy faith..!!!i miss my grandmother,who passed away last december..she taught me how to pray,observe fast....steadfast faith was her hallmark...ramzan also evokes nostalgic memories...my childhood at paingamadom,the tharaveeh days,midnight kitchen raids,shopping at zakaria bazar....mehndi,crackers,biriyani....having friends at home that day...how life has changed!!!i am independent,make money,but nothing can give me back the happiness of yesteryears..........my kids can never the kind of childhood i had been blessed with..will they ever know what they missed?...

sunshine..

I adore Ms.Sandhya..

vaccum..

Today is my 7th wedding annvrsy:..................

me...

perpetually moist eyes...fervent prayers....a boiling saucepan...bloody heart where the red bird weeps...

AIMS,KOCHI..

The next seven days were hell.I was kept in dark about my baby,with reassurances that he was doing well,while in actuality,he was literally breathing his last.Within 24 hours of his birth,he had meningitis.pneumonia..and a lot many other complications.The doctors at Amrita said he stood a chance of 2% to live.Any way,they send their ambulance to Alapuzha,by mid morning of 13th may 2oo7,and took a running time of just 50 minutes to reach Edappally.Rushed into the ICU,he was stabilized and ventilated.Mean while,back at Alpy,I was roaming like a ghost through the hospital corridors,looking at the other babies and sometimes wondering if my baby was no more.Ammu came in between,but left soon,breaking my heart even more.On the 7th day, I was shifted to AIMS. We were in another block,5th floor..my son was at hospital main block,5th floor.As I stepped into the ICU,I felt my blood chill.There were four babies, in separate cubicles,which was mine?..One baby almost resembled a dissected frog.I felt nauseated..Can newborns look like this?..... My husband said ,"There he is.."My baby was lying like a tiny lil mouse, amidst a thousand wires and stuff.His eyes were covered with a band .Was he breathing?...My eyes welled up as I stepped forward to touch him.."Not now",said the nurse.Time over...Walking back from the ICU,my legs felt limp...I never felt so helpless,I thought...how were I to know that the worst was yet to come....(to be continued)

The D Day....

I was the first to be wheeled in to the labour room.Four of us were waiting ,to be cut open.I was not tense..I was just anxious to see my baby's face.i also thought of my lil girl who was just one n a half years old, and missed her terribly.whenmy turn came ,at last,all I wanted was to be done with it,at the earliest.The injection made me numb.The doc said something,n I mumbled,"yes...".My eyes felt heavy.....It must have been a long sleep.when I woke up,I could see faces dangling above me.where was my baby...I wanted to ask,but words failed me.I could hear my sister saying something like..'breathing difficulty.....observation..."I closed my eyes again.Those stitches had started aching..After a few hours,I opened my eyes...and hungrily scanned my bed...my baby?...no one would tell me anything?...."Please...'',I wanted to cry..but words wouldnt come out..Then I saw the doc coming up with my baby and telling me "we are shifting your baby to another hospital..he has "slight" difficulty with breathing..we are not equipped enough.etc etc....."Too much of statisics to sink in.Nothing made sense to me.I wanted to say"Take him to super speciality...amrita...''but again these words died within me...Y did I say Amrita?I still have no idea.I could not see his face,let alone hold him.I could jst make out that he had curly hair like me..they took him away..vaccum....(to be continued..)

Dreams....

Take, if you wish
All that is mine..
But keep back my dreams..for me..
For.....I thrive on them
Dreams..
Colours,rainbows..
Blacks,whites..
Definite,indefinite..
Short,long..
Sweet,bitter..
At times I cant let 'em go..
"Stay back!.." I plead.
They soar in the wide blue sky..
"Take me too",I weep..
Yet,at times,they weigh me down..
Suffocate me.."Let me go!..",I choke..
Whatever....Keepback my dreams for me..
For I thrive on them..
(written by me in 2002 ..)

I am a bad parent....

There are no set rules as to who is a good parent and who is not....but one thing I know is that Iam not doing enough for my kids.May be I can save my face quoting many reasons,but that does not allow me to be unaccountable for what I do not do and what i do.This was not always the same.I was content with my role as a mother ,for about nine months,to be exact...yes,till my daughter was nine months old.I concieved my son then,and my instant feeling was that of guilt.I thought I was being unjust to my daughter....depriving her of many things due...abortion was suggested to me by many,but the very word was beyond my realms of perspective...and i believed that there was always enough love within me to go around...my initial confusions gave way to a hopeful wait...how were I to know that it was something that would change the whole me...(to be continued......)

a bottom less feeling...

There are days I wish I were a kite ,soring aimlessly in the sky....no strings attached..but then I cant stand too much of anything....even if it is freedomunparallelled...too much of solitude...then too heavy a feeling chokes me....crowd....mundane.....i just want to lock myself...a multitude of contradictions......

some musings....

what am i doing late night,blogging away...apart from imagination what does a woman need to write poetry?...paper,pen?solitude....darkness?a room of ones own?....nay....I tell you.....what you need the foremost is peace of mind....which not an external agency can impart....you r happy,if you choose to be happy...Its as simple as that.same is the case with peace.....well,today starts my journey in search of....those dreams..i left half way....the count down begins...